Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A day to cry

I'm starting to feel sad again. well for one its almost Christmas. This is the first Christmas where i didn't have any money. i don't have a job. And I'm not getting any gifts either. Not even from Jeff. i don't get much. i have to buy everything on my own. Its hard for me to see girls who get whatever they want. cloths cars makeup. etc I grew up poor. And i still am. I cant even pay for bills right now. and we are in the process of moving out of this house that i love. moving and packing the day after Christmas. will i ever get a lucky break...

Sometimes i feel so alone in the world. i always wanted that sex and the city kind of girl friendship. But a lot of my friends basically left me. Ive had almost every girl i know blow up at me for something. I'm not a mean girl. I'm shy and i try not to get in the way. i was doing good for a little bit but now I'm feeling low. i don't know how to be happy about this. the only thing i can be thankful for is having a roof over my head and Jeff helping me. but its been so crappy. we cant buy as much food or "good foods" like we did before. I find myself looking online at cloths and things that i cant even pay for. its all pointless. I really want time to fly by so i can get to the point where I'm doing something with my life. I wanted to model but i cant do it because I'm in Prescott. And in Tuscon there is no modeling. By the time we are out of Tucson i will be to old to model. There goes my dream. Hopefully i can do something different for a job. i don't want to work the typical job for the rest of my life. I want to be in California. but that's not going to happen. And on top of this Jeff and i are arguing again. He seems to be in bad moods. and then i get in a bad mood.


i really hope for things to get better.

7 comments:

  1. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you. :( I really think you could be so successful as a model- is there any way to send your photos out to other places??

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  2. im not sure. i have read that most models have to live in NY or LA soo.. but i should try anyways. yea things have been hard. i go up and down with things. im happy and positive and then i get sad. i hate it

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  3. Things will always get better eventually and no matter how low or hard things seem to be, they aren't the be all end all. You should know that there are a lot of people who care about you, and regardless of where you're at in life, they will be there for you if you need them.

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  4. There are modeling agencies here in Tucson! Just gotta look hard, ha! I'm sorry about everything! I don't have girlfriends either but sometimes I remember how much of a pain they can be and it makes me feel better!

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  5. oh really oh yea you live in tucson. we will be moving there eventually.

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  6. I'm sorry you've been down. I'm so sorry that you guys are going through a financial fix. But I must say, some of the happiest people I've met, have had nothing! Maybe stop looking at what other people have and online stores..it's only going to make you feel worse. I know I can't look at fashion magazines anymore, because I feel as though they are showing me what I'm not, and I end up really down on myself. Maybe you need to do that with whatever is dragging you down at the moment. This may be a time in your life that is super hard right now, but eventually, it will be a moment you look back on and see all the good that came out of it. There is a beauty in each season. The only thing is sometimes we focus on all the bad around us we forget about the good. Although you may not have gifts...you guys have each other..even if it's hard right now, some people face this all alone, you have internet, a roof, food, even if it's not the type you want right now. There are people on the streets, with no food, no family, no love, nothing. Please don't take this as I don't understand your feelings because I do, I just know in these moments we need someone to help us draw a different picture. That's all I'm trying to do for you hun.
    And I'm sorry about you guys arguing. For guys, providing is a really big deal, and the fact that he can't give you everything you want right now, may be really weighing him down and stressing him out. It's not because he doesn't love you, but perhaps he feels like he's failed you. Encourage him through this time and let him no no matter what you are behind him 100%.
    It's easy to get bitter, but don't...kindness goes a long way. A man can do so many things when he has the love and support of his woman! :D

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  7. aww that was so sweet ! yes i totally understand you! im doing better!

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